How it all began…
*Trigger Warning* Abuse, Depression, Suicide
The day was Sunday, January 13, 2019. Ugh, I must start my work week tonight. I do not feel like it. I am most definitely not a manual labor type of worker and I hate that I must do this stupid shit.
Here this nigga goes, starting some shit with me, AGAIN. I love this man, but damn am I over the constant fighting. I do not like arguing, tension, conflict, and drama. Yet somehow, here we are, engaging in it more and more nowadays.
Today, however, I’ve reached my limit. I’m so done. With everything. This toxic ass relationship. This funky, dingy ass hotel we’re staying in.* This fucked up relationship with my mom right now. This stupid, dumb ass, birth control that has everything out of whack. This painful ass, monotonous ass job. This being broke while working my ass off, shit. And more than anything and all of it, MY FUCKING SELF! I’m so ready to just end this shit. But I can’t do that. Yes, I can. I’ve already lost everyone I love in some way, so it really won’t fucking matter. But wait, you still have him. Yeah, I guess you’re right. I do not want to be the reason he feels abandoned, or becomes homeless, again.
*Quick Side Story: We were staying in a hotel because he was homeless and had nowhere to go. He was a clever, yet volatile and raging narcissist. He finally burned bridges with all his relatives and could no longer stay with any of them.
I HAD a place to live. When I moved back home from FL, I moved back in with my mom. My mom and I were bumping heads more and more, mainly because of him (She was right), but also for other issues of our own, and I wanted more freedom. I was also making more money at my job than he was. I felt sorry for him because he couldn’t afford to stay at the cheapest hotel around, every week, on his minimal paycheck. So, I decided to live at the hotel with him and help pay for things. Things got much more toxic once we were at the hotel.
That fight was vicious. That was all it took.
That’s it. That’s the final straw. I’m done. I’m about to dead this shit for real this time. No more contemplating over it. No more sitting in the kitchen with the biggest knife in my hand, ready to go to town down my wrists, just to chicken out like a lil punk bitch. No more allowing how the fuck anybody else will feel, when they so easily disregard, disrespect, abuse, and hurt me. I can’t take this anymore. I don’t care anymore if my mom cries that I’m dead. She doesn’t care about anymore now that I chose him over her. She’ll never forgive me. Plus, she still has my little sister, so she’ll be fine. She’s her favorite anyways. I have no use to be alive anymore.
I was so numb. I had never gotten to the point of ACTUALLY deciding to go through with any of my suicidal thoughts before. I felt so broken and defeated inside, that I finally felt like I had nothing left to live for. I felt the cracking open and crumbling of my soul, as it disintegrated around me and molded with the pit I’d now grown accustomed to. I truly felt that the World would be better off without me in it. That in the end, I had nothing more to offer the World than my ignorant, yet over giving love and my ability to be used and abused. I had reached a new level in my pit of darkness, and I sunk in deep.
He fell asleep after our fight, and I decided that NOW was my chance. I wrote down all the important information for my cards and accounts. I left those, my keys, and my cards on the nightstand. I wrote him a letter and placed it beside it. I put on my shoes and coat, put my phone in my pocket, and walked out.
I walked to Family Dollar and purchased their biggest, scariest looking bottle of rodent killer they had there, that I could afford with the cash I had on hand. I didn’t financially prep for something like this, so I was working on a tight budget. The bottle was tall, round, and yellow. It was in powder form and sported images of rodents and bugs all over. It had big, bold, red lettering at the top, sporting something like, “100% Boric Acid..”
I thought to myself, “This is the ONE!” I quickly grabbed and purchased it. I then went to the liquor store and bought a pint of liquor. I planned to mix the powder with the liquor, drink up, and BOOM! It seemed seamless to me at that moment.
I walked to the park with everything and sat on one of the picnic tables. I prepped my bottle and the whole time, I secretly hoped that somebody, anybody, would feel my cry and reach out to me with love. No such call or text came, so I continued. Once I had everything ready, I checked my phone one last time, and seeing nothing new, picked the bottle up and prepared to drink....
It was at that moment that the bottle fell right out my fingers and shattered all on the ground. FUCK! Disappointed, yet determined, I got up and walked away, heading in an unknown direction. Good news is, I still have the bottle of boric acid. Bad news is, I don’t really want to chug it straight up.
Oh shit, he’s calling. I’m sure by now he’s seen everything I left. Maybe this is the love that I need to stop me and remind me that I do have a purpose to be here.
Damn, he’s calling again. Okay, I need to pick up. “…Hello….”
The venom that was spewed on me through that phone line was enough to push me right over the edge. I hung up on him, popped open the bottle without hesitation or a second thought, and took it to the head. It oddly tasted like a pixie stick, but not as sweet. I was grateful that it had a tolerable taste at least. I continued to take gulps of it as I walked.
By this time, I was beyond late for work, and I didn’t give a flying fuck. I also reached out to my best friend at the time, but didn’t tell her what I had done, or better yet, was in the process of doing. I didn’t receive what I was yearning for from either of them, so I sunk deeper and kept walking on. At one point during my walking, my best friend found me and pulled up, but I averted the car as if I didn’t see it (and I told her I didn’t se her).
The truth was, I DID see her. I was just to numb yet embarrassed to face her. ESPECIALLY with the vile and hateful way my boyfriend was yelling at me every time I answered the phone. He was looking for me and was pissed because he was running late for work looking for me. Driving MY car. To find ME. The same car he would be using to drop ME off to work and then go drive to work, because he got off earlier than I did, and he had no other way to afford to get to work.
I couldn’t risk things going from worse to beyond terrible, so I avoided it all. Finally, he threatened me enough to finally stop somewhere that he could pick me up. By the time I got to him, I had literally walked from one city to another and had ingested approximately ¼ of the bottle. Once I got in my car, he sped off towards his job. He cussed me out the entire way there and told me repeatedly how he was going to beat my ass once we made it back to the room. I was too numb to give any sort of reaction to any of his rage. I was just waiting to die. When is this stuff going to kick in? Please be before we get back to this room, because if we do, I am 100% sure he is going to follow through on his word, Maury.
He made me sit inside at one of the booths while he worked his shift. As I was sitting there, I finally looked up boric acid to see how long it would take I kill me. I don’t remember exactly the site or what the rest of the content read. The one sentence that is forever burned in my brain is, “Boric Acid is almost 100% NON-TOXIC to humans.”
That night, as soon as the door shut upon returning to the room, I indeed found out what a punch to the face, head, and other types of physical abuse felt like. Unfortunately, in the 8-9 months until I left him for good, it would not be my last encounter. .
Where I was then, is not where I am now.
Who I was then, is not who I am now.
What I allowed then, is NOT what I allow now.
I LOVE MYSELF IN EVERY WAY!
I am the Hurricane who transformed my pain,
Into my Ever- Radiant Raeign (Rain/Reign)
No one to blame, it's all the same
My reflections all play their own sweet game.
Some play it smooth; some play it sick
Some almost sneak by, they're so damn slick!
My eyes are nice and open,
Both one, and two, and three
I trust my intuition, my biggest influencer is ME
I step fully in my actions, learn my lessons when I fall
Big body a bitch, Mother Earth them
With this Radiance, my Spirit stands tall!