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Almost Ended Before It Began- A Brief look into the Eye of the Hurricane. #TW

How it all began…

*Trigger Warning* Abuse, Depression, Suicide

The day was Sunday, January 13, 2019. Ugh, I must start my work week tonight. I do not feel like it. I am most definitely not a manual labor type of worker and I hate that I must do this stupid shit.

Oh, great.

Here this nigga goes, starting some shit with me, AGAIN. I love this man, but damn am I over the constant fighting. I do not like arguing, tension, conflict, and drama. Yet somehow, here we are, engaging in it more and more nowadays.

Today, however, I’ve reached my limit. I’m so done. With everything. This toxic ass relationship. This funky, dingy ass hotel we’re staying in.* This fucked up relationship with my mom right now. This stupid, dumb ass, birth control that has everything out of whack. This painful ass, monotonous ass job. This being broke while working my ass off, shit. And more than anything and all of it, MY FUCKING SELF! I’m so ready to just end this shit. But I can’t do that. Yes, I can. I’ve already lost everyone I love in some way, so it really won’t fucking matter. But wait, you still have him. Yeah, I guess you’re right. I do not want to be the reason he feels abandoned, or becomes homeless, again.

*Quick Side Story: We were staying in a hotel because he was homeless and had nowhere to go. He was a clever, yet volatile and raging narcissist. He finally burned bridges with all his relatives and could no longer stay with any of them.

I HAD a place to live. When I moved back home from FL, I moved back in with my mom. My mom and I were bumping heads more and more, mainly because of him (She was right), but also for other issues of our own, and I wanted more freedom. I was also making more money at my job than he was. I felt sorry for him because he couldn’t afford to stay at the cheapest hotel around, every week, on his minimal paycheck. So, I decided to live at the hotel with him and help pay for things. Things got much more toxic once we were at the hotel.